Happy Unniversary

One year ago today my divorce was final. It's not a date to celebrate, yet it's a date I didn't forget either.

One year ago today I cried when the judge said it was final.
One year ago today I went back to my maiden name.
One year ago today I took a kick-ass driver's license photo with my restored name.
One year ago today I tried to convince myself that I would be better off.
One year ago today I was angry and bitter and dreadfully sad.
One year ago today I was surrounded by my family.

So much and so little has changed in the past 365 days.

A year later, I only cry about the "D" word on a rare occasion. (I contribute that more to being upset over the failure of my "dream" rather than the reality of what the relationship had been.)
A year later, I couldn't be happier that I look my maiden name back. (Yes, there are some awkward moments when I have to explain my children have a different last name, but overall, it ain't no big thing).
A year later, I no longer have to convince myself that I will be better off. I know I will be.
A year later, I still get sad more often than I'd like, but the anger and bitterness is easy to keep at bay (thanks to lots of therapy).
A year later, my family still surrounds me and the girls. Their support is never-ending. I wouldn't have weathered this storm nearly as well without them.
A year later, my girls remind me daily that I am so very lucky to be their mom. I realize the purpose of my marriage was to be rewarded with them.

So Happy Unniversary to me! Here's to another year of learning and growing and hoping the date isn't imprinted in my brain next year.

Time Magazine

I saw my therapist today and explained to her some of the recent baby-daddy drama (I promise, Internet, I will get the story out when I have a few extra minutes. It's not all that juicy, just one of those hard moments to deal with). Anyway, she said something to me that lightened the mood and made me laugh.


After bringing her up to speed, she said "Well, he just won the Avoider of the Year award. I saw his picture on the cover of Time magazine as the recipient". 


Maybe you had to be there, but it was rather funny to hear as well as nice to get confirmation on what I already know to be true!! And I'd have to agree, The Ex would definitely rank the highest on the Top 100 Avoiders list :) 

Miscellaneous Meanness

I need to get some random b!tchiness out. 

Miscellaneous Meanness #1

Today was The Ex's Birthday.  I refrained from sending him a text to say "Happy Birthday".  It felt mean, but I know his GF was spoiling him (as seen in Skype session with their father).  And he was never big on birthdays.  My sister is less than thrilled with him right now (story for another time), and posted this on her FB wall today with the message that read "Happy Birthday to my Ex Brother-in-Law - loser!"  She cracked herself up with this one.  And it's so funny, because over the past year, my family refers to him as DB.....code so that the younger ears wouldn't pick up on their distaste for him.  (Her post on FB the other day mentioned that she would like to see him neutered with a rusty bread knife).

Miscellaneous Meanness #2

I was on Linked_In this evening, and realized that I still had a "connection" with The Ex.  I deleted that connection as fast as I could, and then felt like I was in High School.  I guess I just didn't like that GF appeared as a second connection to me through him.  I also opted to delete a few connections of people that are in "his camp".  So High School, I know.

It's days like this that I feel my work for eradicating the b!tch within has failed miserably :)

My Side of the Bed

Is it strange that after almost three years of not having a significant other sleep next to me every night, I still sleep on "my side" of the bed? I have a large king bed, and I just can't bring myself to sleep on the other side. It feels toxic. Treacherous territory. A waste of a good portion of the bed. When The Older One crawls into my bed in the middle of the night, her little body fills that big empty spot.

Another Easter With No Call

Last year at Easter, The Ex and I were not officially divorced yet. We were pretty far into the divorce process though. I remember last year being shocked – yet not surprised at the same time – that he never called to wish the girls a Happy Easter. No cards sent in the mail. No inquiry whether the Easter Bunny came to visit or not. (And it had been the baby’s first Easter, too).

So it shouldn’t have come to a surprise to me again this year when
there were no cards sent in the mail, no phone call with Easter wishes, no inquiring about where the Easter Bunny hide baskets.

Maybe he expects me to have the girls “call” him. But I definitely feel that is not my responsibility. When they are old enough to ask to call him, I will oblige. But I’m not going to make the effort to benefit him. I guess that’s a bit of the “B!tch in Me” that is still left.

I’m sure he will wait until the work week to call – that way he can avoid me and just deal with the nanny.

It was hard enough for me to take The Older One out shopping for her to pick a birthday present out for him. (His birthday is this week). A friend told me I should have taken her to a second hand shop to pick something out instead of the nicer department store we went to for his present. Hehe. And The Older One wants to make him his
favorite cupcakes for his birthday (he’s coming in to town this weekend), and thankfully the nanny has offered to do that with her. I might want to make the cupcakes with a little laxative as a
supplement.

Just a Little Rant

The Ex is coming in to town soon.  Of course, this always throws me in to a bit of a tizzy. 

A friend told me the other day that while he's going through his divorce, he has to deal with his soon-to-be-ex every day.  He has no choice but to be thrown into co-parenting.  Me on the other hand?  I only get thrust into co-parenting whenever The Ex decides to grace his daughters with his presence.  It's a slow, painful process of learning how to deal with him.  I actually enjoy the weeks between his visits when I don't need to think about him.

With his upcoming visit, I've been "thinking" about The Ex more than I would prefer to think about him.  More of those feelings of anger and resentment and sadness.  Those feelings I've been working really damn hard to eradicate from within.  Those feelings that come around less frequently, but still exist.

I was watching one of my favorite shows on DVR tonight.  The Ex and I started watching it years ago.  Well, he actually started watching it and convinced me to start watching too.  The main character in the show was the inspiration for our oldest daughter's name.  That character had a baby on the latest episode.  She named the baby the same name as The Ex's love.  Well, one letter short of his GF's name, but definitely close enough and within the same family of names.  I can't tell you the little pit in my stomach I got while watching a TV show, of all things! 

What kind of a sign is that?  Is it the universe mocking me?  Is it a sign that no matter what is thrown at me, I can no longer avoid dealing with it?  Is it a sign that soon enough my daughter (the main character's namesake) and The Ex's GF (the main character's new daughter) will soon be related?  Of course, I'd like to think I'm reading way too much into this.  It's a TV show, after all.  And an unfortunate coincidence of names.  Just a very odd coincidence.

Don't Be a Hater.....

I hate the weekends when The Ex comes to visit.I hate that I get a headache whenever he is in town.
I hate that I'm flooded with feelings of the past every time I see him.
I hate that I'm not over him yet.
I hate thinking about his girlfriend, the love of his life.
I hate knowing that this is the happiest he's ever been, and I'm the bad seed in the old equation.
I hate that he doesn't see his girls more often.
I hate that the girls are so excited to see him.
Not because I hate him.
But because I hate that they don't get to see him walk through the door every evening after work.
I hate that my old dream of happily-ever-after with him will never be a reality.
I hate obsessing over him and his girlfriend.
I hate that I'm so afraid I will fail at being a good mother because I'm consumed with the past.
I hate feeling week.
I hate the fear of throwing myself out there again one day.
I hate that after a year of seeing a therapist, I still feel I haven't healed as much as I would like.
I hate hating.  It's such an evil feeling.