Time Magazine

I saw my therapist today and explained to her some of the recent baby-daddy drama (I promise, Internet, I will get the story out when I have a few extra minutes. It's not all that juicy, just one of those hard moments to deal with). Anyway, she said something to me that lightened the mood and made me laugh.


After bringing her up to speed, she said "Well, he just won the Avoider of the Year award. I saw his picture on the cover of Time magazine as the recipient". 


Maybe you had to be there, but it was rather funny to hear as well as nice to get confirmation on what I already know to be true!! And I'd have to agree, The Ex would definitely rank the highest on the Top 100 Avoiders list :) 

Miscellaneous Meanness

I need to get some random b!tchiness out. 

Miscellaneous Meanness #1

Today was The Ex's Birthday.  I refrained from sending him a text to say "Happy Birthday".  It felt mean, but I know his GF was spoiling him (as seen in Skype session with their father).  And he was never big on birthdays.  My sister is less than thrilled with him right now (story for another time), and posted this on her FB wall today with the message that read "Happy Birthday to my Ex Brother-in-Law - loser!"  She cracked herself up with this one.  And it's so funny, because over the past year, my family refers to him as DB.....code so that the younger ears wouldn't pick up on their distaste for him.  (Her post on FB the other day mentioned that she would like to see him neutered with a rusty bread knife).

Miscellaneous Meanness #2

I was on Linked_In this evening, and realized that I still had a "connection" with The Ex.  I deleted that connection as fast as I could, and then felt like I was in High School.  I guess I just didn't like that GF appeared as a second connection to me through him.  I also opted to delete a few connections of people that are in "his camp".  So High School, I know.

It's days like this that I feel my work for eradicating the b!tch within has failed miserably :)

Just a Little Rant

The Ex is coming in to town soon.  Of course, this always throws me in to a bit of a tizzy. 

A friend told me the other day that while he's going through his divorce, he has to deal with his soon-to-be-ex every day.  He has no choice but to be thrown into co-parenting.  Me on the other hand?  I only get thrust into co-parenting whenever The Ex decides to grace his daughters with his presence.  It's a slow, painful process of learning how to deal with him.  I actually enjoy the weeks between his visits when I don't need to think about him.

With his upcoming visit, I've been "thinking" about The Ex more than I would prefer to think about him.  More of those feelings of anger and resentment and sadness.  Those feelings I've been working really damn hard to eradicate from within.  Those feelings that come around less frequently, but still exist.

I was watching one of my favorite shows on DVR tonight.  The Ex and I started watching it years ago.  Well, he actually started watching it and convinced me to start watching too.  The main character in the show was the inspiration for our oldest daughter's name.  That character had a baby on the latest episode.  She named the baby the same name as The Ex's love.  Well, one letter short of his GF's name, but definitely close enough and within the same family of names.  I can't tell you the little pit in my stomach I got while watching a TV show, of all things! 

What kind of a sign is that?  Is it the universe mocking me?  Is it a sign that no matter what is thrown at me, I can no longer avoid dealing with it?  Is it a sign that soon enough my daughter (the main character's namesake) and The Ex's GF (the main character's new daughter) will soon be related?  Of course, I'd like to think I'm reading way too much into this.  It's a TV show, after all.  And an unfortunate coincidence of names.  Just a very odd coincidence.

Schedules

Ah, the lovely art of scheduling weekend visits with a "co" parent who lives in another state!

Not sure what takes higher priority - scheduling trips with his whore or scheduling trips to see his kids.

His email today was:
If you could remember to send me a schedule of weekends, I would appreciate it. Have a couple of other things I am trying to get set up.

Ugh, that ugly bitter pill is back and hard to swallow.

I really want to reply and say "Oh, what fabulous vacations are you planning with that wench? Must be nice to freely schedule vacations and not worry about any true responsibilities, you d!ck"

My First B!tchy Post

Foreword:  My ranting, b!tchy posts may be a bit divorce-centric in the beginning.  But they won't all be Splitsville related.  Promise.  I have lots of other emotional baggage I need to deal with.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I find myself in need of letting some of my pent-up feelings out, beyond just having verbal diarrhea with my therapist.

My brother is getting married this weekend, and I think it’s going to hit me a bit harder than I had hoped.  I'm happy for him, truly.  I will go with a smile on my face and be happy for both him and his bride.  I also know I'll be flooded with memories and feelings of bitterness….feelings of sadness that my life up to this point didn’t go according to my “plan”.  It’s easy to say “just look forward” or “move past this” or “you have so much to be thankful for”.  Sadly, those words don’t help me out.  I haven’t healed as much as I thought I would have by this point.

The "first" dance will suck.  The new couple will be dancing to the same (very popular) song that ExSpouse and I had our first dance to at our wedding.  It’s not “our” song (there are many other songs that remind me of ExSpouse).  It just happens to be a song that is often used in a first dance at weddings, and I have no issues with the new couple dancing to it.  It just sucks knowing that I'm likely to be flooded with memories at this point in the evening.  No hiding under the covers for me.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

ExSpouse sent a wedding gift yesterday.  My brother asked if I wanted to join him out back with a bb gun and have fun with that gift.  Sweet brother.  ExSpouse's mother gave them a very nice check as a wedding gift today.  My brother said he feels guilty accepting it.  Both gestures were beyond nice.  His family was never able to express their feelings and would often do so with gifts and money.  That works for them.  And that’s okay.  But in this instance, the Inner B!tch comes out and feels like their giving gifts is a way of trying to pretend there are no bad feelings.  And writing that out, it sure sounds completely and utterly ridiculous!  (I get that this is about my brother and his soon-to-be wife, not me).  They are sending gifts simply to congratulate the new couple.  It’s a celebration for them.  So why then does this send me in to a tailspin in the emotions department? 

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Thankfully, ExSpouse was not invited to the wedding.  (Let’s just say no one in the family is very fond of him.)  ExSpouse’s mother was invited to the wedding though.  She comes around very often to spend time with the girls, and she interacts all the time with the wife-to-be who she watches the girls during the day.  ExMIL said she would make the trip to the wedding if I needed her help with the girls.  And I do, as I’ll be a bit busy photographing the day.  So she’s driving with us 3.5 hours in the car for the wedding.  And that sends me in to another tailspin of emotions.  She’s a very nice woman.  But let's just say I feel a bit awkward around her.  We don’t have a lot to talk about.  Heaven forbid we ever address the divorce with one another.  And it’s not likely that she will tell me all about ExSpouse and his girlfriend travelling here and there.  Too many taboo subjects.  Let’s not point out that Big Elephant in the corner.  So we’ll make little chit-chat.  I’m sure she’ll talk about the new fall TV line-up.  And I’ll talk about the girls.  Safe things.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I am looking forward to seeing my uncle and cousins I haven’t seen in some time.  I’m looking forward to watching The Older One be a flower girl for the first time.  And I’m looking forward to capturing their special day with that super expensive lens I rented.

End of emotional b!tch.  Wish me luck!