My First B!tchy Post

Foreword:  My ranting, b!tchy posts may be a bit divorce-centric in the beginning.  But they won't all be Splitsville related.  Promise.  I have lots of other emotional baggage I need to deal with.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I find myself in need of letting some of my pent-up feelings out, beyond just having verbal diarrhea with my therapist.

My brother is getting married this weekend, and I think it’s going to hit me a bit harder than I had hoped.  I'm happy for him, truly.  I will go with a smile on my face and be happy for both him and his bride.  I also know I'll be flooded with memories and feelings of bitterness….feelings of sadness that my life up to this point didn’t go according to my “plan”.  It’s easy to say “just look forward” or “move past this” or “you have so much to be thankful for”.  Sadly, those words don’t help me out.  I haven’t healed as much as I thought I would have by this point.

The "first" dance will suck.  The new couple will be dancing to the same (very popular) song that ExSpouse and I had our first dance to at our wedding.  It’s not “our” song (there are many other songs that remind me of ExSpouse).  It just happens to be a song that is often used in a first dance at weddings, and I have no issues with the new couple dancing to it.  It just sucks knowing that I'm likely to be flooded with memories at this point in the evening.  No hiding under the covers for me.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

ExSpouse sent a wedding gift yesterday.  My brother asked if I wanted to join him out back with a bb gun and have fun with that gift.  Sweet brother.  ExSpouse's mother gave them a very nice check as a wedding gift today.  My brother said he feels guilty accepting it.  Both gestures were beyond nice.  His family was never able to express their feelings and would often do so with gifts and money.  That works for them.  And that’s okay.  But in this instance, the Inner B!tch comes out and feels like their giving gifts is a way of trying to pretend there are no bad feelings.  And writing that out, it sure sounds completely and utterly ridiculous!  (I get that this is about my brother and his soon-to-be wife, not me).  They are sending gifts simply to congratulate the new couple.  It’s a celebration for them.  So why then does this send me in to a tailspin in the emotions department? 

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Thankfully, ExSpouse was not invited to the wedding.  (Let’s just say no one in the family is very fond of him.)  ExSpouse’s mother was invited to the wedding though.  She comes around very often to spend time with the girls, and she interacts all the time with the wife-to-be who she watches the girls during the day.  ExMIL said she would make the trip to the wedding if I needed her help with the girls.  And I do, as I’ll be a bit busy photographing the day.  So she’s driving with us 3.5 hours in the car for the wedding.  And that sends me in to another tailspin of emotions.  She’s a very nice woman.  But let's just say I feel a bit awkward around her.  We don’t have a lot to talk about.  Heaven forbid we ever address the divorce with one another.  And it’s not likely that she will tell me all about ExSpouse and his girlfriend travelling here and there.  Too many taboo subjects.  Let’s not point out that Big Elephant in the corner.  So we’ll make little chit-chat.  I’m sure she’ll talk about the new fall TV line-up.  And I’ll talk about the girls.  Safe things.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I am looking forward to seeing my uncle and cousins I haven’t seen in some time.  I’m looking forward to watching The Older One be a flower girl for the first time.  And I’m looking forward to capturing their special day with that super expensive lens I rented.

End of emotional b!tch.  Wish me luck!