Happy Unniversary

One year ago today my divorce was final. It's not a date to celebrate, yet it's a date I didn't forget either.

One year ago today I cried when the judge said it was final.
One year ago today I went back to my maiden name.
One year ago today I took a kick-ass driver's license photo with my restored name.
One year ago today I tried to convince myself that I would be better off.
One year ago today I was angry and bitter and dreadfully sad.
One year ago today I was surrounded by my family.

So much and so little has changed in the past 365 days.

A year later, I only cry about the "D" word on a rare occasion. (I contribute that more to being upset over the failure of my "dream" rather than the reality of what the relationship had been.)
A year later, I couldn't be happier that I look my maiden name back. (Yes, there are some awkward moments when I have to explain my children have a different last name, but overall, it ain't no big thing).
A year later, I no longer have to convince myself that I will be better off. I know I will be.
A year later, I still get sad more often than I'd like, but the anger and bitterness is easy to keep at bay (thanks to lots of therapy).
A year later, my family still surrounds me and the girls. Their support is never-ending. I wouldn't have weathered this storm nearly as well without them.
A year later, my girls remind me daily that I am so very lucky to be their mom. I realize the purpose of my marriage was to be rewarded with them.

So Happy Unniversary to me! Here's to another year of learning and growing and hoping the date isn't imprinted in my brain next year.

Time Magazine

I saw my therapist today and explained to her some of the recent baby-daddy drama (I promise, Internet, I will get the story out when I have a few extra minutes. It's not all that juicy, just one of those hard moments to deal with). Anyway, she said something to me that lightened the mood and made me laugh.


After bringing her up to speed, she said "Well, he just won the Avoider of the Year award. I saw his picture on the cover of Time magazine as the recipient". 


Maybe you had to be there, but it was rather funny to hear as well as nice to get confirmation on what I already know to be true!! And I'd have to agree, The Ex would definitely rank the highest on the Top 100 Avoiders list :) 

Miscellaneous Meanness

I need to get some random b!tchiness out. 

Miscellaneous Meanness #1

Today was The Ex's Birthday.  I refrained from sending him a text to say "Happy Birthday".  It felt mean, but I know his GF was spoiling him (as seen in Skype session with their father).  And he was never big on birthdays.  My sister is less than thrilled with him right now (story for another time), and posted this on her FB wall today with the message that read "Happy Birthday to my Ex Brother-in-Law - loser!"  She cracked herself up with this one.  And it's so funny, because over the past year, my family refers to him as DB.....code so that the younger ears wouldn't pick up on their distaste for him.  (Her post on FB the other day mentioned that she would like to see him neutered with a rusty bread knife).

Miscellaneous Meanness #2

I was on Linked_In this evening, and realized that I still had a "connection" with The Ex.  I deleted that connection as fast as I could, and then felt like I was in High School.  I guess I just didn't like that GF appeared as a second connection to me through him.  I also opted to delete a few connections of people that are in "his camp".  So High School, I know.

It's days like this that I feel my work for eradicating the b!tch within has failed miserably :)

My Side of the Bed

Is it strange that after almost three years of not having a significant other sleep next to me every night, I still sleep on "my side" of the bed? I have a large king bed, and I just can't bring myself to sleep on the other side. It feels toxic. Treacherous territory. A waste of a good portion of the bed. When The Older One crawls into my bed in the middle of the night, her little body fills that big empty spot.

Another Easter With No Call

Last year at Easter, The Ex and I were not officially divorced yet. We were pretty far into the divorce process though. I remember last year being shocked – yet not surprised at the same time – that he never called to wish the girls a Happy Easter. No cards sent in the mail. No inquiry whether the Easter Bunny came to visit or not. (And it had been the baby’s first Easter, too).

So it shouldn’t have come to a surprise to me again this year when
there were no cards sent in the mail, no phone call with Easter wishes, no inquiring about where the Easter Bunny hide baskets.

Maybe he expects me to have the girls “call” him. But I definitely feel that is not my responsibility. When they are old enough to ask to call him, I will oblige. But I’m not going to make the effort to benefit him. I guess that’s a bit of the “B!tch in Me” that is still left.

I’m sure he will wait until the work week to call – that way he can avoid me and just deal with the nanny.

It was hard enough for me to take The Older One out shopping for her to pick a birthday present out for him. (His birthday is this week). A friend told me I should have taken her to a second hand shop to pick something out instead of the nicer department store we went to for his present. Hehe. And The Older One wants to make him his
favorite cupcakes for his birthday (he’s coming in to town this weekend), and thankfully the nanny has offered to do that with her. I might want to make the cupcakes with a little laxative as a
supplement.

Just a Little Rant

The Ex is coming in to town soon.  Of course, this always throws me in to a bit of a tizzy. 

A friend told me the other day that while he's going through his divorce, he has to deal with his soon-to-be-ex every day.  He has no choice but to be thrown into co-parenting.  Me on the other hand?  I only get thrust into co-parenting whenever The Ex decides to grace his daughters with his presence.  It's a slow, painful process of learning how to deal with him.  I actually enjoy the weeks between his visits when I don't need to think about him.

With his upcoming visit, I've been "thinking" about The Ex more than I would prefer to think about him.  More of those feelings of anger and resentment and sadness.  Those feelings I've been working really damn hard to eradicate from within.  Those feelings that come around less frequently, but still exist.

I was watching one of my favorite shows on DVR tonight.  The Ex and I started watching it years ago.  Well, he actually started watching it and convinced me to start watching too.  The main character in the show was the inspiration for our oldest daughter's name.  That character had a baby on the latest episode.  She named the baby the same name as The Ex's love.  Well, one letter short of his GF's name, but definitely close enough and within the same family of names.  I can't tell you the little pit in my stomach I got while watching a TV show, of all things! 

What kind of a sign is that?  Is it the universe mocking me?  Is it a sign that no matter what is thrown at me, I can no longer avoid dealing with it?  Is it a sign that soon enough my daughter (the main character's namesake) and The Ex's GF (the main character's new daughter) will soon be related?  Of course, I'd like to think I'm reading way too much into this.  It's a TV show, after all.  And an unfortunate coincidence of names.  Just a very odd coincidence.

Don't Be a Hater.....

I hate the weekends when The Ex comes to visit.I hate that I get a headache whenever he is in town.
I hate that I'm flooded with feelings of the past every time I see him.
I hate that I'm not over him yet.
I hate thinking about his girlfriend, the love of his life.
I hate knowing that this is the happiest he's ever been, and I'm the bad seed in the old equation.
I hate that he doesn't see his girls more often.
I hate that the girls are so excited to see him.
Not because I hate him.
But because I hate that they don't get to see him walk through the door every evening after work.
I hate that my old dream of happily-ever-after with him will never be a reality.
I hate obsessing over him and his girlfriend.
I hate that I'm so afraid I will fail at being a good mother because I'm consumed with the past.
I hate feeling week.
I hate the fear of throwing myself out there again one day.
I hate that after a year of seeing a therapist, I still feel I haven't healed as much as I would like.
I hate hating.  It's such an evil feeling.

Schedules

Ah, the lovely art of scheduling weekend visits with a "co" parent who lives in another state!

Not sure what takes higher priority - scheduling trips with his whore or scheduling trips to see his kids.

His email today was:
If you could remember to send me a schedule of weekends, I would appreciate it. Have a couple of other things I am trying to get set up.

Ugh, that ugly bitter pill is back and hard to swallow.

I really want to reply and say "Oh, what fabulous vacations are you planning with that wench? Must be nice to freely schedule vacations and not worry about any true responsibilities, you d!ck"

Groundhog's Day

It was a very rough day for me emotionally. I think back to thus time last year, and I'm afraid I have not healed, I have not grown, I have not made any strides forward. I'm stuck in a past that I don't want to be stuck in anymore. But I don't know how to move forward, how to simply "get over it". I'm a crying wreck tonight. Maybe I'll have my thoughts sorted out in a few days and will try and explain what's going through my head. I just know I don't want to be dubbed "the girl who never got over being dumped" for so many reasons.

Jeopardy

Oh Internet world, I have so much to b!tch about and get off my chest. Maybe another day. For now, let's play a little Jeopardy, shall we?

Category: Co-parenting
Answer: 23 days

What's the question?

I'm Baaaacckk!

The B!tch is back, baby!  I've been trying to hold her back, but she's here.  No denying she's around.  I found out a year ago about the cheating, and I can't help but have memories run through my head.  It's hard!  I was doing so well for so long, and then bam!  I feel like I've taking several steps backwards and I'm not nearly as healed as I'd hoped to be.  I keep thinking of a million and one things I would like to say to him, as if all these memories flooding through my head are making me feel raw all over again.  Doesn't help that he's coming in for a very quick visit this coming weekend.  I just want to be over this and I wish that I never had to deal with him ever, ever again.  Divorce with kids truly is hell, because you never can get away from that ex.  You have to have a "relationship" with the ex for the rest of your life.  Ughh.

On to some other random thought.  I'm home with the kids today because the nanny called in sick and I don't have back up.  And he just got back from another tropical vacation.  At least I'm not dealing with a peeling nose from the sun.  And better yet, I get to receive hugs and kisses from the little ones every day.

I'll close with this........I completely randomly came across this quote today.  Made me think I should get his girlfriend a flea collar for Christmas. :)

"Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas." - Italian Proverb

The Holiday B!tch?

I guess I've been absent here because I've been feeling a bit better and have been able to contain the b!tch in me a bit better lately.  But let's not kid anyone, she still has her moments!

For example, I was not very nice to my sister the other day, who left her busy work day to come over and watch the girls so I could run an errand.  I ended up getting a little frustrated with her and told her she was pouting like my ex used to do!  Not cool, especially when she's helping me out.  To my weak defense, I sometimes feel like I'd rather not have help and support from a family member if it comes with a price tag of having to accept all the footprints of them walking over me.  I ended up apologizing to her a few days later, and we are fine now.  Made me realize though that I am a completely selfish person.

And then on to the biggest target of my b!tchiness - ExSpouse.  He told me several weeks back that he would be coming in to town to see the girls for the holidays, "Most definitely!".  Now he is avoiding me.  I know full well that he is not coming, and lacks the balls to tell me such.  I know his excuse will be that airline tickets are too expensive, and everyone should feel bad for him that he can't see his kids.  Newsflash!  The holidays come the same time every.single.year.  He could have purchased tickets months in advance.  I feel like calling his bluff and telling him that the kids want to purchase him a ticket to come visit for the holidays as their present to him.  Would LOVE to hear his response to that one, since I know the real reason he can't see them over the holidays is that he wants to spend the time with his new love.  I'm working hard at turning the anger that wants to boil up inside me into feelings of sorrow for him instead.

Heard from a friend recently, whose ex cheated on her and left the marriage, that karma is alive and well.  Her ex remarried, and much to his dismay, his new wife cheated on him and left.  Here's hoping that karma comes around these parts!

A Letter That You Never Send

A very good friend of mine has been such an important part of my life this past year.  We worked together a few years back and with a move and kids and careers, we lost touch for a little while.  And then we connected again.  The timing could not have been any more impeccable.  She too was going through a divorce.  I leaned on her, and she always managed to give me perfect pep talks. She's amazingly brilliant and a kind soul.   I could always call her up, text her, or email her with a random rant, and she could relate. I always feel better after talking to her.  Not that I ever wanted to go through what I went through this past year, but if I had to go through it, I'm so very thankful she came back in to my life at the time that she did and we weathered the storms together.

A few months back, in the midst of my divorce, I had emailed her with one of my CAN-YOU-BELEIVE-THIS rants.  I saved her email reply in my Inbox, because the moment I started reading it, I could not stop laughing.  I will open the email on occasion and giggle again at her response.

Let me set the stage.  ExSpouse had just spent the weekend with the kids.  He emailed me after his weekend visit.  This is what his email said:

Thank you for the weekend. I had a great time with the girls- especially The Baby. I felt very connected with her by the time I left on Sunday. I hope you and I can keep up our communication and not get defensive when a tough subject is brought up.

I would also like to go back to trying to call each evening to say goodnight to The Oldest. Please let me know what time is best. Either you call me or I will call you, whatever works each day if bedtimes may vary for some reason. There will be days like this thursday where I have a hockey game at 7:30 so I won't be able to talk to her at bedtime but will try to call when I am on my way. All sound ok?
 
Thanks again,
ExSpouse

It sounds like a nice email and all.  Good guy, eh?  Some women would love to have a cordial relationship like this with their exes who only come around for two days every other month.  I know it could be MUCH worse. I get it, I do.  But I still like to b!tch about it.  So I sent this email on to my friend, and her reply was brilliant and hillarious.  I had tears in my eyes.  Of course, I never had the balls to send this on to him.  And that wasn't the point.  Expressing words to no one in particular are simply a means of catharsis.

This is my friends reply:

Dear ExSpouse,

Thanks for your message - it truly was the highlight of my day (right up there with putting pantyhose on but certainly nowhere near as exciting as spilling my coffee on my white blouse :-). 

I know exactly what you mean about feeling connected, it's like the the checkout guy i saw at the grocery store the other day, I'm looking forward to next month when i run into him again and we can bond over the deals at Meijer - we're so lucky to have that opportunity aren't we?  it's just so special!  As for calling, what great news!! In fact, right when i got your email, i set the timer on my iPhone as a reminder so we can sit and wait to look forward to the moment we get to hear your voice.  I am sure The Oldest will drop everything she is doing to make sure to talk to you on your convenience - you know pre-schoolers have a knack for time management, so it's awesome you are helping her build her skills and teaching her how to prioritize.   Don't sweat it about the nights you can't....we'll let the alarm go so we can at least spend those three minutes thinking of what we are missing out on.  Besides, i completely understand your need to put yourself first - after all, one can't be father of the year if you don't take care of your needs!

Signed,
The woman who can't believe I put up with you for as long as i did but counting my lucky stars for everything I no longer have to deal with

Just one of those letters you write (or my friend wrote for me) but never send.  Love it.  And love good friends who "get it".

My First B!tchy Post

Foreword:  My ranting, b!tchy posts may be a bit divorce-centric in the beginning.  But they won't all be Splitsville related.  Promise.  I have lots of other emotional baggage I need to deal with.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I find myself in need of letting some of my pent-up feelings out, beyond just having verbal diarrhea with my therapist.

My brother is getting married this weekend, and I think it’s going to hit me a bit harder than I had hoped.  I'm happy for him, truly.  I will go with a smile on my face and be happy for both him and his bride.  I also know I'll be flooded with memories and feelings of bitterness….feelings of sadness that my life up to this point didn’t go according to my “plan”.  It’s easy to say “just look forward” or “move past this” or “you have so much to be thankful for”.  Sadly, those words don’t help me out.  I haven’t healed as much as I thought I would have by this point.

The "first" dance will suck.  The new couple will be dancing to the same (very popular) song that ExSpouse and I had our first dance to at our wedding.  It’s not “our” song (there are many other songs that remind me of ExSpouse).  It just happens to be a song that is often used in a first dance at weddings, and I have no issues with the new couple dancing to it.  It just sucks knowing that I'm likely to be flooded with memories at this point in the evening.  No hiding under the covers for me.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

ExSpouse sent a wedding gift yesterday.  My brother asked if I wanted to join him out back with a bb gun and have fun with that gift.  Sweet brother.  ExSpouse's mother gave them a very nice check as a wedding gift today.  My brother said he feels guilty accepting it.  Both gestures were beyond nice.  His family was never able to express their feelings and would often do so with gifts and money.  That works for them.  And that’s okay.  But in this instance, the Inner B!tch comes out and feels like their giving gifts is a way of trying to pretend there are no bad feelings.  And writing that out, it sure sounds completely and utterly ridiculous!  (I get that this is about my brother and his soon-to-be wife, not me).  They are sending gifts simply to congratulate the new couple.  It’s a celebration for them.  So why then does this send me in to a tailspin in the emotions department? 

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Thankfully, ExSpouse was not invited to the wedding.  (Let’s just say no one in the family is very fond of him.)  ExSpouse’s mother was invited to the wedding though.  She comes around very often to spend time with the girls, and she interacts all the time with the wife-to-be who she watches the girls during the day.  ExMIL said she would make the trip to the wedding if I needed her help with the girls.  And I do, as I’ll be a bit busy photographing the day.  So she’s driving with us 3.5 hours in the car for the wedding.  And that sends me in to another tailspin of emotions.  She’s a very nice woman.  But let's just say I feel a bit awkward around her.  We don’t have a lot to talk about.  Heaven forbid we ever address the divorce with one another.  And it’s not likely that she will tell me all about ExSpouse and his girlfriend travelling here and there.  Too many taboo subjects.  Let’s not point out that Big Elephant in the corner.  So we’ll make little chit-chat.  I’m sure she’ll talk about the new fall TV line-up.  And I’ll talk about the girls.  Safe things.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I am looking forward to seeing my uncle and cousins I haven’t seen in some time.  I’m looking forward to watching The Older One be a flower girl for the first time.  And I’m looking forward to capturing their special day with that super expensive lens I rented.

End of emotional b!tch.  Wish me luck!

B!tches Trippin'

Have you ever checked out Urban Dictionary?  Man, that sh!t cracks me up. 

I should apologize from the start for my language.  I spend my days prim and proper in Corporate America and spend the rest of the time sensoring my words around the kids.  When I find myself in adult company, the potty mouth just sort of comes out.  I promise to limit my use of the F-word. (It really only comes out on a rare occasion).

Anyway, I was on Urban Dictionary just looking up the definition of B!tch the other day.  I never new there were so many crazy ways to incorporate one of the many words used to describe an unpleasant woman.

The definition for a "B!tchety B!tch" was provided (see the column to the right), along with context on how to properly use the word. 

This almost made me spit out my Ev!an water.

Chica 1: "You're going to wear that? It makes your hips look as wide as the Titanic."
Chica 2: "You serious? I want to go kill myself right now."
Chica 1: "M'eh! Don't crack the concrete when you hit."
Chica 2: "You're such a bitchety bitch! We all know that shit on your face is herpes, not a cold sore."

I may not be that bad, but I have my moments.

Let's Get Started

Welcome!  Welcome!  So glad you could stop by.  Let's get right down to business, shall we?

I started this blog for a few reasons:

1. I find that I often sensor my thoughts and feelings on my "main" blog that family and friends frequent.
2. I hate trying to keep all my posts upbeat.  Somedays I need to yell at the grey cloud that often tracks me down.
3. My therapist told me that I had two options:  1.  Get an exorcism to rid myself of the B!tch in me, or 2. Start a blog and let all my b!tchy thoughts out there.  I thought it might be a bit awkward searching out a man of cloth to perform a B!tch exorcism.

So here I am!

If you ever feel the need to b!tch anonymously, feel free to reach out to me.  I'd love to share my blog space with you.