Sunday, December 18, 2011
Groundhog's Day
It was a very rough day for me emotionally. I think back to thus time last year, and I'm afraid I have not healed, I have not grown, I have not made any strides forward. I'm stuck in a past that I don't want to be stuck in anymore. But I don't know how to move forward, how to simply "get over it". I'm a crying wreck tonight. Maybe I'll have my thoughts sorted out in a few days and will try and explain what's going through my head. I just know I don't want to be dubbed "the girl who never got over being dumped" for so many reasons.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Jeopardy
Oh Internet world, I have so much to b!tch about and get off my chest. Maybe another day. For now, let's play a little Jeopardy, shall we?
Category: Co-parenting
Answer: 23 days
What's the question?
Category: Co-parenting
Answer: 23 days
What's the question?
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I'm Baaaacckk!
The B!tch is back, baby! I've been trying to hold her back, but she's here. No denying she's around. I found out a year ago about the cheating, and I can't help but have memories run through my head. It's hard! I was doing so well for so long, and then bam! I feel like I've taking several steps backwards and I'm not nearly as healed as I'd hoped to be. I keep thinking of a million and one things I would like to say to him, as if all these memories flooding through my head are making me feel raw all over again. Doesn't help that he's coming in for a very quick visit this coming weekend. I just want to be over this and I wish that I never had to deal with him ever, ever again. Divorce with kids truly is hell, because you never can get away from that ex. You have to have a "relationship" with the ex for the rest of your life. Ughh.
On to some other random thought. I'm home with the kids today because the nanny called in sick and I don't have back up. And he just got back from another tropical vacation. At least I'm not dealing with a peeling nose from the sun. And better yet, I get to receive hugs and kisses from the little ones every day.
I'll close with this........I completely randomly came across this quote today. Made me think I should get his girlfriend a flea collar for Christmas. :)
On to some other random thought. I'm home with the kids today because the nanny called in sick and I don't have back up. And he just got back from another tropical vacation. At least I'm not dealing with a peeling nose from the sun. And better yet, I get to receive hugs and kisses from the little ones every day.
I'll close with this........I completely randomly came across this quote today. Made me think I should get his girlfriend a flea collar for Christmas. :)
"Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas." - Italian Proverb
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Holiday B!tch?
I guess I've been absent here because I've been feeling a bit better and have been able to contain the b!tch in me a bit better lately. But let's not kid anyone, she still has her moments!
For example, I was not very nice to my sister the other day, who left her busy work day to come over and watch the girls so I could run an errand. I ended up getting a little frustrated with her and told her she was pouting like my ex used to do! Not cool, especially when she's helping me out. To my weak defense, I sometimes feel like I'd rather not have help and support from a family member if it comes with a price tag of having to accept all the footprints of them walking over me. I ended up apologizing to her a few days later, and we are fine now. Made me realize though that I am a completely selfish person.
And then on to the biggest target of my b!tchiness - ExSpouse. He told me several weeks back that he would be coming in to town to see the girls for the holidays, "Most definitely!". Now he is avoiding me. I know full well that he is not coming, and lacks the balls to tell me such. I know his excuse will be that airline tickets are too expensive, and everyone should feel bad for him that he can't see his kids. Newsflash! The holidays come the same time every.single.year. He could have purchased tickets months in advance. I feel like calling his bluff and telling him that the kids want to purchase him a ticket to come visit for the holidays as their present to him. Would LOVE to hear his response to that one, since I know the real reason he can't see them over the holidays is that he wants to spend the time with his new love. I'm working hard at turning the anger that wants to boil up inside me into feelings of sorrow for him instead.
Heard from a friend recently, whose ex cheated on her and left the marriage, that karma is alive and well. Her ex remarried, and much to his dismay, his new wife cheated on him and left. Here's hoping that karma comes around these parts!
For example, I was not very nice to my sister the other day, who left her busy work day to come over and watch the girls so I could run an errand. I ended up getting a little frustrated with her and told her she was pouting like my ex used to do! Not cool, especially when she's helping me out. To my weak defense, I sometimes feel like I'd rather not have help and support from a family member if it comes with a price tag of having to accept all the footprints of them walking over me. I ended up apologizing to her a few days later, and we are fine now. Made me realize though that I am a completely selfish person.
And then on to the biggest target of my b!tchiness - ExSpouse. He told me several weeks back that he would be coming in to town to see the girls for the holidays, "Most definitely!". Now he is avoiding me. I know full well that he is not coming, and lacks the balls to tell me such. I know his excuse will be that airline tickets are too expensive, and everyone should feel bad for him that he can't see his kids. Newsflash! The holidays come the same time every.single.year. He could have purchased tickets months in advance. I feel like calling his bluff and telling him that the kids want to purchase him a ticket to come visit for the holidays as their present to him. Would LOVE to hear his response to that one, since I know the real reason he can't see them over the holidays is that he wants to spend the time with his new love. I'm working hard at turning the anger that wants to boil up inside me into feelings of sorrow for him instead.
Heard from a friend recently, whose ex cheated on her and left the marriage, that karma is alive and well. Her ex remarried, and much to his dismay, his new wife cheated on him and left. Here's hoping that karma comes around these parts!
Monday, October 3, 2011
A Letter That You Never Send
A very good friend of mine has been such an important part of my life this past year. We worked together a few years back and with a move and kids and careers, we lost touch for a little while. And then we connected again. The timing could not have been any more impeccable. She too was going through a divorce. I leaned on her, and she always managed to give me perfect pep talks. She's amazingly brilliant and a kind soul. I could always call her up, text her, or email her with a random rant, and she could relate. I always feel better after talking to her. Not that I ever wanted to go through what I went through this past year, but if I had to go through it, I'm so very thankful she came back in to my life at the time that she did and we weathered the storms together.
A few months back, in the midst of my divorce, I had emailed her with one of my CAN-YOU-BELEIVE-THIS rants. I saved her email reply in my Inbox, because the moment I started reading it, I could not stop laughing. I will open the email on occasion and giggle again at her response.
Let me set the stage. ExSpouse had just spent the weekend with the kids. He emailed me after his weekend visit. This is what his email said:
Thank you for the weekend. I had a great time with the girls- especially The Baby. I felt very connected with her by the time I left on Sunday. I hope you and I can keep up our communication and not get defensive when a tough subject is brought up.
I would also like to go back to trying to call each evening to say goodnight to The Oldest. Please let me know what time is best. Either you call me or I will call you, whatever works each day if bedtimes may vary for some reason. There will be days like this thursday where I have a hockey game at 7:30 so I won't be able to talk to her at bedtime but will try to call when I am on my way. All sound ok?
Thanks again,
ExSpouse
It sounds like a nice email and all. Good guy, eh? Some women would love to have a cordial relationship like this with their exes who only come around for two days every other month. I know it could be MUCH worse. I get it, I do. But I still like to b!tch about it. So I sent this email on to my friend, and her reply was brilliant and hillarious. I had tears in my eyes. Of course, I never had the balls to send this on to him. And that wasn't the point. Expressing words to no one in particular are simply a means of catharsis.
This is my friends reply:
Dear ExSpouse,
Thanks for your message - it truly was the highlight of my day (right up there with putting pantyhose on but certainly nowhere near as exciting as spilling my coffee on my white blouse :-).
I know exactly what you mean about feeling connected, it's like the the checkout guy i saw at the grocery store the other day, I'm looking forward to next month when i run into him again and we can bond over the deals at Meijer - we're so lucky to have that opportunity aren't we? it's just so special! As for calling, what great news!! In fact, right when i got your email, i set the timer on my iPhone as a reminder so we can sit and wait to look forward to the moment we get to hear your voice. I am sure The Oldest will drop everything she is doing to make sure to talk to you on your convenience - you know pre-schoolers have a knack for time management, so it's awesome you are helping her build her skills and teaching her how to prioritize. Don't sweat it about the nights you can't....we'll let the alarm go so we can at least spend those three minutes thinking of what we are missing out on. Besides, i completely understand your need to put yourself first - after all, one can't be father of the year if you don't take care of your needs!
Signed,
The woman who can't believe I put up with you for as long as i did but counting my lucky stars for everything I no longer have to deal with
Just one of those letters you write (or my friend wrote for me) but never send. Love it. And love good friends who "get it".
A few months back, in the midst of my divorce, I had emailed her with one of my CAN-YOU-BELEIVE-THIS rants. I saved her email reply in my Inbox, because the moment I started reading it, I could not stop laughing. I will open the email on occasion and giggle again at her response.
Let me set the stage. ExSpouse had just spent the weekend with the kids. He emailed me after his weekend visit. This is what his email said:
Thank you for the weekend. I had a great time with the girls- especially The Baby. I felt very connected with her by the time I left on Sunday. I hope you and I can keep up our communication and not get defensive when a tough subject is brought up.
I would also like to go back to trying to call each evening to say goodnight to The Oldest. Please let me know what time is best. Either you call me or I will call you, whatever works each day if bedtimes may vary for some reason. There will be days like this thursday where I have a hockey game at 7:30 so I won't be able to talk to her at bedtime but will try to call when I am on my way. All sound ok?
Thanks again,
ExSpouse
It sounds like a nice email and all. Good guy, eh? Some women would love to have a cordial relationship like this with their exes who only come around for two days every other month. I know it could be MUCH worse. I get it, I do. But I still like to b!tch about it. So I sent this email on to my friend, and her reply was brilliant and hillarious. I had tears in my eyes. Of course, I never had the balls to send this on to him. And that wasn't the point. Expressing words to no one in particular are simply a means of catharsis.
This is my friends reply:
Dear ExSpouse,
Thanks for your message - it truly was the highlight of my day (right up there with putting pantyhose on but certainly nowhere near as exciting as spilling my coffee on my white blouse :-).
I know exactly what you mean about feeling connected, it's like the the checkout guy i saw at the grocery store the other day, I'm looking forward to next month when i run into him again and we can bond over the deals at Meijer - we're so lucky to have that opportunity aren't we? it's just so special! As for calling, what great news!! In fact, right when i got your email, i set the timer on my iPhone as a reminder so we can sit and wait to look forward to the moment we get to hear your voice. I am sure The Oldest will drop everything she is doing to make sure to talk to you on your convenience - you know pre-schoolers have a knack for time management, so it's awesome you are helping her build her skills and teaching her how to prioritize. Don't sweat it about the nights you can't....we'll let the alarm go so we can at least spend those three minutes thinking of what we are missing out on. Besides, i completely understand your need to put yourself first - after all, one can't be father of the year if you don't take care of your needs!
Signed,
The woman who can't believe I put up with you for as long as i did but counting my lucky stars for everything I no longer have to deal with
Just one of those letters you write (or my friend wrote for me) but never send. Love it. And love good friends who "get it".
Friday, September 30, 2011
My First B!tchy Post
Foreword: My ranting, b!tchy posts may be a bit divorce-centric in the beginning. But they won't all be Splitsville related. Promise. I have lots of other emotional baggage I need to deal with.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I find myself in need of letting some of my pent-up feelings out, beyond just having verbal diarrhea with my therapist.
My brother is getting married this weekend, and I think it’s going to hit me a bit harder than I had hoped. I'm happy for him, truly. I will go with a smile on my face and be happy for both him and his bride. I also know I'll be flooded with memories and feelings of bitterness….feelings of sadness that my life up to this point didn’t go according to my “plan”. It’s easy to say “just look forward” or “move past this” or “you have so much to be thankful for”. Sadly, those words don’t help me out. I haven’t healed as much as I thought I would have by this point.
The "first" dance will suck. The new couple will be dancing to the same (very popular) song that ExSpouse and I had our first dance to at our wedding. It’s not “our” song (there are many other songs that remind me of ExSpouse). It just happens to be a song that is often used in a first dance at weddings, and I have no issues with the new couple dancing to it. It just sucks knowing that I'm likely to be flooded with memories at this point in the evening. No hiding under the covers for me.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
ExSpouse sent a wedding gift yesterday. My brother asked if I wanted to join him out back with a bb gun and have fun with that gift. Sweet brother. ExSpouse's mother gave them a very nice check as a wedding gift today. My brother said he feels guilty accepting it. Both gestures were beyond nice. His family was never able to express their feelings and would often do so with gifts and money. That works for them. And that’s okay. But in this instance, the Inner B!tch comes out and feels like their giving gifts is a way of trying to pretend there are no bad feelings. And writing that out, it sure sounds completely and utterly ridiculous! (I get that this is about my brother and his soon-to-be wife, not me). They are sending gifts simply to congratulate the new couple. It’s a celebration for them. So why then does this send me in to a tailspin in the emotions department?
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Thankfully, ExSpouse was not invited to the wedding. (Let’s just say no one in the family is very fond of him.) ExSpouse’s mother was invited to the wedding though. She comes around very often to spend time with the girls, and she interacts all the time with the wife-to-be who she watches the girls during the day. ExMIL said she would make the trip to the wedding if I needed her help with the girls. And I do, as I’ll be a bit busy photographing the day. So she’s driving with us 3.5 hours in the car for the wedding. And that sends me in to another tailspin of emotions. She’s a very nice woman. But let's just say I feel a bit awkward around her. We don’t have a lot to talk about. Heaven forbid we ever address the divorce with one another. And it’s not likely that she will tell me all about ExSpouse and his girlfriend travelling here and there. Too many taboo subjects. Let’s not point out that Big Elephant in the corner. So we’ll make little chit-chat. I’m sure she’ll talk about the new fall TV line-up. And I’ll talk about the girls. Safe things.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I am looking forward to seeing my uncle and cousins I haven’t seen in some time. I’m looking forward to watching The Older One be a flower girl for the first time. And I’m looking forward to capturing their special day with that super expensive lens I rented.
End of emotional b!tch. Wish me luck!
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I find myself in need of letting some of my pent-up feelings out, beyond just having verbal diarrhea with my therapist.
My brother is getting married this weekend, and I think it’s going to hit me a bit harder than I had hoped. I'm happy for him, truly. I will go with a smile on my face and be happy for both him and his bride. I also know I'll be flooded with memories and feelings of bitterness….feelings of sadness that my life up to this point didn’t go according to my “plan”. It’s easy to say “just look forward” or “move past this” or “you have so much to be thankful for”. Sadly, those words don’t help me out. I haven’t healed as much as I thought I would have by this point.
The "first" dance will suck. The new couple will be dancing to the same (very popular) song that ExSpouse and I had our first dance to at our wedding. It’s not “our” song (there are many other songs that remind me of ExSpouse). It just happens to be a song that is often used in a first dance at weddings, and I have no issues with the new couple dancing to it. It just sucks knowing that I'm likely to be flooded with memories at this point in the evening. No hiding under the covers for me.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
ExSpouse sent a wedding gift yesterday. My brother asked if I wanted to join him out back with a bb gun and have fun with that gift. Sweet brother. ExSpouse's mother gave them a very nice check as a wedding gift today. My brother said he feels guilty accepting it. Both gestures were beyond nice. His family was never able to express their feelings and would often do so with gifts and money. That works for them. And that’s okay. But in this instance, the Inner B!tch comes out and feels like their giving gifts is a way of trying to pretend there are no bad feelings. And writing that out, it sure sounds completely and utterly ridiculous! (I get that this is about my brother and his soon-to-be wife, not me). They are sending gifts simply to congratulate the new couple. It’s a celebration for them. So why then does this send me in to a tailspin in the emotions department?
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Thankfully, ExSpouse was not invited to the wedding. (Let’s just say no one in the family is very fond of him.) ExSpouse’s mother was invited to the wedding though. She comes around very often to spend time with the girls, and she interacts all the time with the wife-to-be who she watches the girls during the day. ExMIL said she would make the trip to the wedding if I needed her help with the girls. And I do, as I’ll be a bit busy photographing the day. So she’s driving with us 3.5 hours in the car for the wedding. And that sends me in to another tailspin of emotions. She’s a very nice woman. But let's just say I feel a bit awkward around her. We don’t have a lot to talk about. Heaven forbid we ever address the divorce with one another. And it’s not likely that she will tell me all about ExSpouse and his girlfriend travelling here and there. Too many taboo subjects. Let’s not point out that Big Elephant in the corner. So we’ll make little chit-chat. I’m sure she’ll talk about the new fall TV line-up. And I’ll talk about the girls. Safe things.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I am looking forward to seeing my uncle and cousins I haven’t seen in some time. I’m looking forward to watching The Older One be a flower girl for the first time. And I’m looking forward to capturing their special day with that super expensive lens I rented.
End of emotional b!tch. Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
B!tches Trippin'
Have you ever checked out Urban Dictionary? Man, that sh!t cracks me up.
I should apologize from the start for my language. I spend my days prim and proper in Corporate America and spend the rest of the time sensoring my words around the kids. When I find myself in adult company, the potty mouth just sort of comes out. I promise to limit my use of the F-word. (It really only comes out on a rare occasion).
Anyway, I was on Urban Dictionary just looking up the definition of B!tch the other day. I never new there were so many crazy ways to incorporate one of the many words used to describe an unpleasant woman.
The definition for a "B!tchety B!tch" was provided (see the column to the right), along with context on how to properly use the word.
This almost made me spit out my Ev!an water.
Chica 1: "You're going to wear that? It makes your hips look as wide as the Titanic."
Chica 2: "You serious? I want to go kill myself right now."
Chica 1: "M'eh! Don't crack the concrete when you hit."
Chica 2: "You're such a bitchety bitch! We all know that shit on your face is herpes, not a cold sore."
I may not be that bad, but I have my moments.
I should apologize from the start for my language. I spend my days prim and proper in Corporate America and spend the rest of the time sensoring my words around the kids. When I find myself in adult company, the potty mouth just sort of comes out. I promise to limit my use of the F-word. (It really only comes out on a rare occasion).
Anyway, I was on Urban Dictionary just looking up the definition of B!tch the other day. I never new there were so many crazy ways to incorporate one of the many words used to describe an unpleasant woman.
The definition for a "B!tchety B!tch" was provided (see the column to the right), along with context on how to properly use the word.
This almost made me spit out my Ev!an water.
Chica 1: "You're going to wear that? It makes your hips look as wide as the Titanic."
Chica 2: "You serious? I want to go kill myself right now."
Chica 1: "M'eh! Don't crack the concrete when you hit."
Chica 2: "You're such a bitchety bitch! We all know that shit on your face is herpes, not a cold sore."
I may not be that bad, but I have my moments.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Let's Get Started
Welcome! Welcome! So glad you could stop by. Let's get right down to business, shall we?
I started this blog for a few reasons:
If you ever feel the need to b!tch anonymously, feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to share my blog space with you.
I started this blog for a few reasons:
- I find that I often sensor my thoughts and feelings on my "main" blog that family and friends frequent.
- I hate trying to keep all my posts upbeat. Somedays I need to yell at the grey cloud that often tracks me down.
- My therapist told me that I had two options: 1. Get an exorcism to rid myself of the B!tch in me, or 2. Start a blog and let all my b!tchy thoughts out there. I thought it might be a bit awkward searching out a man of cloth to perform a B!tch exorcism.
If you ever feel the need to b!tch anonymously, feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to share my blog space with you.
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